INDIA II
Goa - February 2005
HIGHLANDROVER 2: THE EDGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT
Given that I was about to spend eleven days locked up and living a very simple way of life, I whiled away the weekend before the meditation course in
We spent a fun weekend lounging around the pool, eating fabulous food and drinking delicious wine. He was very generous and had also brought me the Lonely Planet Guide to
In between bouts of lazing around we visited a couple of
All too soon the weekend of luxury was over and I had to make my way to Pune where the meditation course was being held. I arrived there on an overnight train from
On arrival in Pune I spent about five hours in an internet café emailing, doing some travel writing research and chain-smoking furiously. I was making the most of the few remaining hours of freedom and working my way through my last packet of Marlborough Lights.
Mid afternoon I took an auto rickshaw for the 25km journey to the meditation centre. Ten cigarettes left – I got through six in the hour it took to get there. The driver had told me the fare was 250 rupees but when we arrived and I got my money out to pay him he said, “Ok madam, you pay me when we go back to Pune.”
I explained that I wasn’t going back that day and I would be here for ten days. Immediately the fare rose to 500 rupees, which of course I did not want to pay as he’d given me a price of 250. A short argument ensued but I ended up paying him the 500 because I couldn’t really be bothered fighting – I just wanted to sit in peace and smoke my last four cigarettes as I only had twenty minutes until I had to sign in. A few last minutes of relaxation proved impossible though as the rickshaw was now surrounded by a group of around 30 schoolboys who were having a mid afternoon break. I sat down on a rock beside a small pond to smoke. They had me hemmed in so tight I could barely see the light of the sun and were firing questions at me faster than bullets from an AK-47.
“What is your country?” “How old are you?” “Where are you going?” “Are you married?” “Give me a cigarette!”
I pointed out the health warning on the side of the packet and reminded them that smoking is extremely bad for one’s health while at the same time lighting up cigarette number 274 of the day. After about ten minutes of incessant babbling they returned to their classroom and I finally had my few moments of peace and quiet to prepare myself for the difficult task ahead. No talking, no smoking, no drinking, no reading, no texting – just meditation all day every day for ten days. Would I make it to the end of the course? How long could I remain silent for? Would I be driven insane with nicotine cravings? I finished my last cigarette and made my way through the front gates with a feeling of foreboding and also one of discomfort as the notepad and pen I’d stashed in my pants started to dislodge themselves.
After registration, during which my contraband did not escape down my trouser legs thank goodness, I was shown to the female accommodation block and met Sonia, my roommate, who I was able to converse with for a couple of hours before we were ordered to shut up. Sonia, an Italian, was as worried as I was about staying the course for ten days. We resolved not to look at each other as far as possible, to avoid the desire to chat.
At 7pm there was an induction meeting where we were briefed on the rules:
No talking from 8pm on 1st February until 8am on 11th February (Mmmmm…) No eye contact with any other person. Males and females are to be strictly segregated at all times No killing any living thing…..including mosquitoes (WHAT?????) No tobacco, alcohol, reading or writing material, cell phones etc (ARGH!!!!!) No sexual misconduct (a bit difficult if we are being kept apart!)
After the induction we were taken to the meditation hall for our first session. Each person had a cushion with his or her name on and we were told to make sure we sat there every session. I seemed to be apart from everyone else right at the back of the ladies section. Was it something I said? Did they think I was going to be a bad influence hence my being far away from the other girls? I was a tad miffed that I was out on a limb as it were.
After we had made ourselves as comfortable as it is possible to make oneself on a small cushion, an old man entered the hall from the back door. One hour of the dreadful droning on and group chanting later, we were told to retire to our rooms for the night.
Day 1 4am. Am rudely awoken by someone ringing a bell outside the room – the early morning wake up call. As am more used to going to bed at 4am than getting up at that time, do not move swiftly. Make my way to meditation hall in sleepy daze for first session of the day – a short one, just the two hours! Sit on my cushion. No teacher arrives – it appears we are on our own for now. Close my eyes and listen to the voice on the tape which, after some waffling in a weird language, is instructing us to keep our attention focused on the area around our nose and to observe the breath coming in and going out. Attempt to do just that but am rudely interrupted by old Indian lady three rows in front burping loudly three times. Re-focus my mind and begin concentrating again when one of the 70 or so men farts and another has a coughing fit. “Shut up, shut up,” I think to myself feeling the first twinges of irritability rising within me.
Comfort is no longer a word in my vocabulary. Every position becomes painful after ten minutes or so. Crossing the legs gives me a sore back, sore hip joints and pains in my knees. Sitting with my legs bent hugging the knees numbs my bum. Can’t believe I have to sit here for two hours. Argh! What am I doing here? I can’t even concentrate on my breathing as my mind is flying around faster than Superman on speed.
Chanting begins again and the old teacher arrives. Don’t quite know what his purpose is as he just sits there saying nothing while the voice on the tape keeps saying “Just relax, concentrate on the breath coming in and going out. Work diligently, ardently, patiently and persistently.”
Can feel myself dozing off and am sure I would be in a deep sleep were it not for the excruciating pain in my bum, hip joints and knees.
6.30am. Meditation ends. Breakfast time. Am starving but find the only thing on offer is strange balls made from semolina/cous-cous type grain. Eat half of one but it’s minging so return to bed for an hour until the 8.00am session begins. Am about to fall asleep when the loud speaker outside my room comes alive with more chanting. ARGH!!! Even earplugs and a pillow on my head don’t dampen the din.
8.00am – 11.00 am. Second daily session begins. Realise that meditating is jolly hard work. Every time I try to focus my mind on my breathing I am rudely interrupted by farting, burping, coughing or sneezing – it is driving me nuts. Try to refocus but my mind goes a-wandering all over the place. It’s in my past, my present or my future; it’s having conversations with any number of different people – it’s doing everything I don’t want it to do and nothing I do want it to do. The voice booms out at the beginning and end of every hour, repeating itself like a stuck record.…”relax, concentrate on the breath and work diligently, ardently, patiently and persistently…if your mind wonders, just bring it back and start again…”
The word ‘ardently’ makes me immediately think of Pride and Prejudice, the bit where the sexy Mr Darcy says to Elizabeth Bennett….”Permit me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” I then find myself daydreaming about Colin Firth/Mr Darcy and imagining he was saying it to me……..then I’m thinking about Mr Darcy in Bridget Jones and wonder when I’ll get to see BJ2: The Edge of Reason…apparently it’s quite funny - oops refocus, refocus, refocus.
For three hours I refocus, refocus and refocus but I am still having trouble with keeping my attention on my breathing. Things are not looking good. Still, at least have not spoken.
11.00 am. Lunchtime. Am even more starving after failing to eat much at breakfast so am delighted to find boiled rice, lentil dal, vegetable curry and chapattis and dig in with gusto. Afterwards I have wistful thoughts of how much I enjoyed the post-food cigarette and feel annoyed I can’t have one now so go back to bed until the next meditation session begins at 1.00 pm.
1.00 pm – 5.00 pm. The worst session of the day – four hours of meditating. We are allowed to have a break if we need one and soon the sun is enticing us out for ten minutes of sunbathing. Am getting bored. Fed up with my wayward, wandering mind. Fed up refocusing. Fed up not being able to have a cigarette. Fed up having to change positions all the time.
5.00 pm. Supper. The selection is savoury Rice Krispies things and grapes which I devour slowly as this is the last food until tomorrow. Console myself with the fact that at least I’ll definitely lose some weight over the next ten days.
6.00 pm. One hour of meditation. Same as before, “….relax, concentrate on the breath and work diligently, ardently, patiently and persistently.” Amazingly I manage, despite the farting, burping and other noisy interruptions to remain focused for a whole minute without my mind wandering. Am ecstatic. Hooray! Progress!
7.00 pm. The English speaking contingent are ushered into a smaller hall for the Teacher’s Discourse – an hour long video presentation by Mr S N Goenka, the main man where Vipassana is concerned. He grew up in Burma and is chubby with grey hair and very twinkly eyes. I like him immediately and enjoy the lesson. He tells us we have a long road ahead and that day two and day six are vulnerable days because that is when most people leave. We must have strength of character he says, and faith, and work very hard over the next 9 days. If we do, we will be rewarded with a happier life and will be able to start removing misery from our lives, just like Buddha.
8.30 – 9.00. We have a final 30-minute meditation. Am concentrating very hard and again manage to remain focused on my breathing for a minute or so. Go to bed very happy with myself, convinced that I will finish the course and leave enlightened and full of inner calm.
Day 2 Up at 4.00 am but get very annoyed with the noise everyone is making in the meditation hall. For goodness sake, why do people have to burp and fart out loud? If I can do it silently why can’t they? Argh! Is SO irritating. Go back to room to meditate but end up falling asleep on bed. Miss breakfast and wake up at 7am when chanting bellows out from loudspeakers. Doze until morning meditation starts. Feel irritable and want a cigarette.
8am –11am. Seem to be able to concentrate on my breath better today without mind wondering too much. Still have to change position all the time due to numbness in bum and pins and needles in legs.
Start thinking about cigarettes – imagine myself smoking one with a G&T when I am set free.
Eat huge lunch to make up for not having breakfast and because supper is not going to be very substantial.
Afternoon drags by. Can’t believe there is another eight days to go. Am bored. I can concentrate on my breath now but it’s boring. Wonder what I am doing here. Is this all I will be doing for ten days? How will this give me inner calm? I will go demented before I find enlightenment. How can I have been feeling so good last night and so despondent now?
5.00 pm. More grapes. Return to room and have a wash. No showers in the bathroom. Fill a bucket and use a small jug to wash with. It’s cold but a welcome relief from the heat of the afternoon.
Bedtime in 3.5 hours – can’t wait. At least when I’m sleeping I don’t have to concentrate on breathing and refocusing my mind.
7.00 pm. Mr Goenka congratulates us for still being here on the night of day two. He tells us that learning to observe the breath, which is what we have spent the past two days doing, will help us reach a state of physical and mental purity. He says we will have to dig deep into ourselves and purge ourselves of our past impurities. By observing the rules: noble silence, no killing, no intoxicants, no sexual misconduct etc we will be leading a moral life and will reap the rewards. That’s all very well but what happens when we get out and we start talking again. I might be able to refrain from killing anything but does it mean I can’t have sex ever again? And what about my G&T’s? Wonder if I should ask teacher at question time but there are many others waiting to speak to him and am too impatient to wait.
Go to bed feeling depressed. Still not spoken.
Day 3 Manage to complete the full two-hour session from 4.30 to 6.30 but the wandering mind problem is back. To make matters worse we are told that on account of observing our breath we should begin to feel a sensation below the nose, a tingling feeling. Can’t feel it. Worry about the fact that I can’t feel the sensation despite ‘the voice’ (which I now know to be that of twinkly-eyed Mr Goenka) telling us not to feel any negative emotions if we can’t feel the sensation and just …’ to refocus our minds and start again.’ Am a failure twice over for not feeling the sensation and now for having negative thoughts about not feeling the sensation. We go up in 3s to sit with the teacher. He asks if all is well. I tell him I can’t concentrate. “Just keep practicing” he says. The other two girls say they are feeling the sensation. I bet they are telling fibs. Scold self for thinking negative thoughts about others.
Lunch is my favourite part of the day, closely followed by the video session.
This afternoon I am frustrated by noise and keep trying to stop being frustrated because frustration is a negative emotion. Can’t seem to empty my mind. So much stuff going through it. Am worrying about what will happen when I get back to the UK. Where will I live? What if no one will employ me? Will I be able to cope with normal life again?…worries, questions, worries, questions……
Still can’t feel the feeling.
5.00pm. DISASTER! After supper I went back to my room and accidentally killed a beastie in the sink when I was brushing my teeth. Turned on the tap too hard and it went swimming down the plughole. Have broken a rule….have killed a living thing. Oh NO!!!! Tell myself that it was not pre-meditated and that accidental breaking of rules will not result in bad karma. Was stupid beastie’s own fault for deciding to live in sink anyway – it should have known that is like a person trying to live on the M1 and remain alive.
7.00 pm – Mr Goenka tells us that tomorrow we will have our first Vipassana meditation lesson. So far we have been trying to observe our breath by concentrating on a small part of the body (the area below the nose) and to feel sensations in that area. Tomorrow we will be trying to feel sensations in whole body. By doing this type of meditation and observing the rules of morality the universal law of nature will reward us with happiness instead of misery.
Decide it sounds good in theory but is impossible for me as I can’t feel the sensation and have killed a living thing. Am destined for life of misery.
8.30pm – 9.00 pm. Hurray, hurray, can feel the sensation thing. Am no longer a failure and enlightenment is now a possibility. Am still mute.
Day 4. Old Indian lady in row three snores through early morning meditation. Am almost asleep myself but keep waking self up with involuntary jerks of the head.
Mid-morning session - frequent farting, burping and sneezing at different pitches almost sounds like a tune and makes me think of the song Terry Wogan used to play all the time on his BBC2 radio show….the Choral Dance or something like that. Now cannot get song out of head.
Afternoon session – our first Vipassana lasts 2 hours. Had to work our way from head to toe trying to feel what sensations we could on different parts of the body. Mr Goenka says it might be tingling, heat, cold, throbbing, vibrating, pleasure or pain….can definitely feel pain in bum, hips and legs and decide that must be good as it’s a sensation that I can feel. He tells us that all sensations on the body ..”arise and pass away….just observe the sensation…do not like it or dislike it..just observe it arise and pass away..” Mmmmm…. pain sensation does not seem to be passing away but try hard not to dislike it and just observe. Suddenly feel tingling sensation down calves and into feet - get very excited until realise is pins and needles and not signs that I am about to be enlightened.
By the end of the afternoon session I am feeling sensations on my face, arms, back and legs but no sensations on front torso anywhere. This is not good as we are told that until we feel the sensations on every part of our body, we won’t experience the real flow of energy which carries us on the path to enlightenment. Argh….this is impossible. Perhaps I am just not destined to ever find inner calm and be enlightened and should give up now. Want cigarette and my mobile so I can text someone.
Have very brutal and bloody nightmares tonight. Wake up after the first one in which I was shot in the back of the head and realise I am still alive. Am relieved but don’t want to go back to sleep. Desperately want to wake up Sonia. No idea what time it is. Fall asleep again and have another bad dream after which I sit up in bed and wait for morning. At least I didn’t scream though and break vow of silence.
Day 5 Couldn’t do morning meditation. Left at 5am and went back to bed tired after nightmares. All day couldn’t concentrate so asked the teacher at night about my bad dreams. He said don’t worry, it is normal and should stop soon.
Mr Goenka tells us we are halfway through and will soon start to feel the benefits of the Vipassana way of life. He tells us to be careful as tomorrow is another vulnerable day.
Go to bed not wanting to sleep in case I have nightmares again but end up dreaming about Robbie Williams - it is a very good dream!!
Day 6 Okay day today. Still can’t feel sensations in front of body but manage to feel them elsewhere. Mr Goenka tells us not to be disappointed if we can’t feel them all over the body and just to keep trying….eventually we will be successful. I sincerely hope so as I’ve already planned the future for after I am enlightened: I will be a writer and will live on a narrow boat somewhere with a nice climate. I will do yoga and meditation each morning, which means I will be thin and calm. My life will be full of happiness and I will love my job and never be depressed again.
Go for my usual sleep after lunch and dream that my book is featured on Richard and Judy’s Book Club and they have invited me on there to talk about it. Judy says ‘It’s very funny, I laughed my pants off a few times.” Richard replies, “Don’t you mean you laughed your top off Jude…ho ho ho…remember at that awards bash blah blah…?” They have also invited Robbie Williams on to sing a song but I am in such a state at being within a few feet of him that I can’t talk properly and do a dreadful interview. The only consolation is that Robbie gives me a kiss on the cheek and his phone number. Wake up and make a mental note that when I do get on R&J book club I will have to concentrate hard so as not to make a fool of self.
I have a daily routine now – after early morning meditation I miss breakfast and go back to bed. After lunch at 11am I go back to bed. During 5pm – 6pm break I have a shower, wash clothes and do my nails, which are growing very well. After evening discourse and before final meditation at 8.30pm I do some exercises. Am feeling very healthy and very calm and even the farting, burping and coughing is not annoying me so much. I think I must be finding inner calm. Still not spoken but did lie on bed and sing La, la, la, la, la, la, just to see if my voice still works. Doesn’t count though as was alone and it was not proper words.
That night I dream of a sumptuous banquet of food, a fountain of G&Ts and a pyramid of Marlborough Lights.
Day 7 Today passes quickly. Still can’t feel sensations on chest or stomach so full body vibrations continue to elude me. “Enlightenment…enlightenment, oh where art though enlightenment.”
Mr Goenka says only two more serious days of meditation to go until we can talk again. Suddenly I feel worried that I will not have reached enlightenment by the end of day ten. Mr Goenka tells us not to worry because the path to enlightenment is a long one. It may take years. WHAAAAT? What does he mean years? What am I here for? I want it now! ARGH ARGH ARGH, bloody hell! I need a miracle!
Day 8 Did not sleep well. Went back to bed at 5.30am but one of the assistant teachers came and made me go back to listen to chanting.
Feel depressed today which is worrying as I’m meant to be happier. Keep thinking bad things about self. Lots of things from my past that I’ve said and done and regretted come into my mind. I don’t like it but they won’t go away. I ask teacher and he says this is good as my miseries are coming to the surface to be evaporated. Tells me not to worry and just keep concentrating on feeling the sensations.
And then a terrible thing happens. After eight days I speak. I can’t help myself. Sonia speaks back which makes me feel better as I am not the only one breaking a rule. Feels so strange. We speak for about two minutes then revert to silence again. Am craving my mobile phone and the internet. Am craving something amazing to eat. Go do bed annoyed with myself for being so weak.
Day 9 Today is our last full day so I make supreme effort to sit through the early morning session without falling asleep or going back to bed. Suddenly amazing feelings surge throughout whole body – like vibrations. Is only for an instant but is definitely the all over flow that Goenka has told us about. Am very excited. Try and get it back again but it’s impossible. It will happen when it happens we’re told.
That night in the evening meditation one of the men does a very long and noisy fart. Two men start giggling. Then a few more begin to titter. Soon it is spreading throughout the whole room and everyone is trying not to laugh. Some people have to leave because they cannot contain themselves. Must be anticipation of being allowed to talk tomorrow.
Day 10 After early morning meditation we are allowed to speak again after nine and a half days of silence. Noise is everywhere. People are hugging each other in congratulations of completing the course. I feel guilty about having broken noble silence before the end and then find out that some of the men have been sneaking off each night down to the riverside for parties. Argh! Bloody hell. Have missed parties!!! Immediately feel much better as at least I tried really hard to abide by all rules and did pretty well to not talk for eight whole days.
We get our stuff back and I check my mobile for messages.
We still have some meditation classes but not as many as usual. I don’t feel the all over body vibrations but tell myself that this is not a problem. I have learnt self-discipline. I have made myself sit in uncomfortable positions for hours without moving. I have not spoken a word to anyone for eight days. I have given up smoking. I have calmed my mind down a bit.
I go to bed feeling quite pleased with myself all in all and with full intentions of continuing with meditation after I leave.
Day 11 One more early meditation and then breakfast. Decide to go for breakfast this time and am rewarded with yummy big potato balls. Eat three to make up for not having breakfast any other day. At 7.00 am make a run for the bus with Sonia – if we miss this one we have to wait another two hours and am DESPERATE to get to email.
Spent hours in an internet cafe reading emails and doing travel writing research then try to print out three hours of work. Nothing happens. Internet man tells me my disk is corrupt. “But it worked five minutes ago before you attached the printer,” I told him. “Well, it is not working now,” he replied. Normally this would have been the point where my hissy fit would have erupted like Vesuvius. I would be cursing and arguing and getting all agitated. But I didn’t. No shouting. No swearing. No kicking inanimate objects. I remained calm. I told myself that what’s done is done and there is no point in going ballistic. I would just have to do it all again. “Everything arises and passes away,” I said to myself while concentrating on my breathing.
Now THAT’S a miracle!